Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
