8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
