anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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