yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
