I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
