My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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