My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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