Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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