sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
