I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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