the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
