No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
