I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
