i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
