just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
