He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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