ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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