The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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