Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
