You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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