ADVERTISEMENT

• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.

  Fav 16 7165 1012

  share tweet
  

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

  Fav 31 5327 2327

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

  Fav 30 12865 2260

  share tweet
  

• (217): View more from Illinois

  Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.

  Fav 9 949 2203

  share tweet
  

• (949): View more from California

  At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?

  (714): View more from California

  I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.

  Fav 4 2103 807

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo

  Fav 7 1039 647

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (404): View more from Georgia

  Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

  Fav 6 2281 681

  share tweet
  

• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.

  Fav 0 863 550

  share tweet
  

• (562): View more from California

  Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic

  Fav 4 1153 515

  share tweet
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....

  Fav 1 56 33

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.

  Fav 1 57 13

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (828): View more from North Carolina

  My liver can't handle being unemployed!

  Fav 0 39 16

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.

  Fav 1 51 19

  share tweet
  

• (562): View more from California

  I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui

  Fav 0 46 8

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (727): View more from Florida

  We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.

  Fav 0 86 28

  share tweet
  

Randomize