So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
