First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
