...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
