You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Even my vagina gasped.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
