I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
