why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
