Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize