Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
