can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
