He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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