I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
