I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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