At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
