It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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