Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
