five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
His nipple licking is glorious
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