My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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