dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
