For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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