Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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