He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
