Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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