Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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