We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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