I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
