oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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