he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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