dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
