True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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