I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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