hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
