Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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