I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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