what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
