I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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