That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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