I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
