I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
