Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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