So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
