I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
