I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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