Kiss
Puke
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
