My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
